Brian's NYC

Did you know there is a whole list of things you can and cannot do while riding the subway? It's true! They call them 'Rules of Conduct,' and they're pretty fantastic (and by fantastic I mean ridiculous). Some things make sense, while others are just a bit excessive and much too difficult to enforce (not to mention that most people are shocked to learn that there is an actual law prohibiting them from doing the thing they're doing when they get cited and ticketed, or even arrested.

• Thou shalt not jump the turnstile or enter the system improperly, even if your MetroCard is not working properly (I can only imagine the jewels from Harlem trying to explain to the kind Officer that they jumped the turnstile because their card didn't work...tell it to the judge, lady! Also, there are constantly little kids with their parents crawling under the turnstile...I believe they have the turnstiles there for a reason, and anyone riding must enter properly with a valid MetroCard)
  
• Thou shalt not straddle a bicycle, wear in-line or roller skates, stand on a skateboard or ride a scooter
  
• Thou shalt not move between end doors of a subway car whether or not train is in motion, except in an emergency or when directed by police officer or conductor (Um, this definitely happens at least once every time I ride the subway)
  
• Thou shalt not place one's foot on the seat of a subway, bus, or platform bench; occupy more than one seat or place bags on an empty seat when doing so would interfere with transit operations or the comfort of other customers (oh, so I guess that sleeping homeless man who was sprawled out on the bench on my train last night with his life in paper shopping bags piled around him was in the wrong then...)


• Thou shalt not panhandle or beg (the people who make these rules realize we live in New York City, right?)


• Thou shalt not play a radio audible to others or use amplified devices on platforms


• Thou shalt not block free movement (two words: Rush hour)


• Thou shalt not lie down (see three rules ago)


• Thou shalt not drink alcoholic beverages (whoop! Broke that one on New Year's Eve...)


• Thou shalt not carry any liquid in an open container onto a train or bus (Thank you, former crappy Dunkin Donuts lids)


• Thou shalt not engage in unauthorizedcommercial activity (I feel like someone is trying to deal me drugs every time someone passes through the cars (traveling from car to car whilst the train is in transit, no less!) selling $5 bootlegged DVD's)


• Thou shalt not damage subway or busproperty - that includes graffiti or scratchitti (I don't think scratchitti is actually a word...but I'm totally using it)


• Thou shalt not litter or create unsanitary conditions (Oh, so that guy's not supposed to be peeing on the trashcan in the corner?)

I find it only proper to try to enforce some of my own laws. They include:

• You may not ride the subway if you have B.O. I don't care if you are homeless, you forgot to shower, or you're making the 'walk of shame.' Don't do it!


• If you must play your music so everyone can hear (see law above), it must at leastbe music that I like listening to. This does not include hardcore rap or punk rock. Thanks.


• You may not clip or file your finger (or toe) nails, especially if you are sitting next to me. This causes nothing but a mess of clippings and snowy particles to ultimately flake and fly all over me.


• I understand that you get hungry, especially walking everywhere in New York City. If you must eat on the train, please no McDonalds. Now you know how quickly B.O. spreads through the cars. McDonalds? Just as bad.


• Don't talk to me, because I don't want to talk to you. I understand that you are insane, but that's a poor excuse.


• Get out of my way. 'Nuff said.

Do you think there is any chance I can make any of these happen?