Brian's NYC

10) Excessively Drunk People: While I appreciate the boost in my check average, nine times out of ten you are going to stiff me on my tip. Plus, I’m a moral person and overserving drunk people stresses me out. Keep your alcoholism at home!

9) Check Splitting: Our computer system makes it especially complicated, but split a check ten ways with credit cards? I can think of something I’d like to do you ten ways, but it doesn’t involve credit cards. And there’s right and wrong way to go about it. Don’t tell me at the end of the meal after everything is already rung in. Don’t tell me to just put your stuff on a credit card. I am not your mother. I do not want to keep track of what you eat and drink. Tell me how much you want me to put on your credit card, then add the tip later.

8) Health Food Snobs: Do you know the definition of “comfort food?” I’m all for healthy eating and comment you for doing it, but in the land of mac + cheese and chicken fried steak, you’re S.O.L.

7) Returning Drink Orders: Sending something back because it is bad is one thing,b ut just because you don’t like it? Uh-uh! Here’s some advice fi you don’t like bourbon, don’t order a manhattan, and if you can’t handle the heat, stay away from the cajun pepper martini!

6) Seating yourself: As long as we live in America and you have a waiter, there will always be someone to assign you a table. And we assign it for a reason; so don’t be a dick and argue your way to sit where you want.

5) Poor Tippng: There are so many reasons why this happens, and in my book unless your waiter straight up tells you how awful you are, there are no excuses for poor tips. I get $4.60 an hour. I can’t even pay for lunch on that. You are robbing me of my salary. I can’t do anything about the food being bad, so don’t dock because of that. Think there is no need to tip more than a few bucks, try 20%. With the level of service I give you, that is what I deserve. I care about giving you a nice dining experience (although sometimes I don’t know why). Don’t make me regret it. Get a discount because you know me, are friends with the owner, or complained until you got something taken off your bill? Don’t count that in the tip. Tip me on what the total bill WOULD be, full price.

4) Foreign Tourists: Most of the time, I think you are cute and want to help. But if you are smart enough to fly overseas and find your way to my restaurant, you’re smart enough to know the dining customs.

3) Weird Food Requests: You eat out to enjoy a dining experience. If you are not along for the ride and want to customize your order and completely change it, maybe you should have stayed home.

2) Extra People: Dining with a big party? Bring it on. But first of all, make a reservation. If you can’t make a reservation, at least call ahead and let us know you are coming. And once you arrive, keep the dining total where it is. If you show up for a reservation for two and it’s now three, you need a bigger table. If I just put your order in the computer and two more people show up expecting to be fed, it throws a wrench in the preparation of your food.

1) “Gimme:” I understand that I am working to serve you and make you have a relaxing dining experience. But don’t treat me like I am “the help.” Use your table manners, and say “please” and “thank you.” When I approach you and ask you how you are doing, don’t respond with “I want a margarita,” or a “We’re not ready to order yet.” I’m more than happy to leave you alone, but it wouldn’t kill you to use some common courtesy when you’re interacting with another human being.

P.S. For some awesome waiter rants, check out bitter waiter.