Brian's NYC

1. When entering the tunnel, audibly sigh when you get caught behind someone using caution while walking down the stairs. Upon reaching the turnstiles, have your Metro card ready and break into a spring the second you hear a train approaching, no matter what direction it is coming from.

2. Travel in the cars either at the very front or back of the train to avoid the biggest crowds. Of course, if you’re traveling during rush hour, you’re screwed. In that case, be prepared to elbow and nudge your way in. Screw making friends.

3. Subway doors are not like elevator doors. They do not automatically spring open if something touches it while it’s closing. But if the doors start to close on you, don’t jump back. Instead, curse and sneer while attempting to squeeze into a train while the doors close on you. Not only will it provide your fellow passengers with something to gawk at, it will make you look like a true New Yorker.

4. Once on the train, look annoyed that you are stuck in a tight space with so many people (this is actually a good thing to do in general in New York…it’s more authentic). When someone coughs or sneezes, react as though they have the plague and are quickly spreading it through the train.

5. If you are feeling particularly adventurous, sing (or rap) along to the music playing on your iPod. You did bring your iPod, didn’t you?

6. When possible, leave your gum on the seat next to you. Not only will it ensure your privacy and prevent people from sitting next to you, New Yorkers love being stuck to their seat on the subway. Especially the ancient N-R-W trains.

7. Avoid eye contact at all costs! Especially with your fellow people-watchers.

8. If you feel confident that you know your away around the tunnels, offer to help someone staring blankly at a map. Even if you don’t know how to direct them, tell the people false directions. It’s better than saying you don’t know.

9. When exiting a crowded train, all bets are off. Toes are allowed to be trampled on, bags are allowed to be crushed, hair is allowed to be rustled, old ladies are allowed to be floored. The objective is to get off the train before other passengers have a chance to get on, not win the Nobel Peace Prize for subway humanity.

10. If you are catching a connection at a station, run like hell. It doesn’t matter if your train is approaching or not. It will make you look like you have purpose. And it’s better to be early than late, right?

11. You’d better not be one of those people holding up the rapid flow of traffic coming off the train. You’re supposed to be one scoffing and visibly upset that you are one of 500 people trying to get off the same platform as the old man with the walker.

12. Never get caught allowing someone to enter through the turnstile when you are trying to exit. Have I taught you nothing?!

13. When exiting the subway station, walk with confidence. There is no time to stand and ponder which exit you need to take, or how much longer it will take you to walk to your destination from the NE corner exit, rather than the NW.